Language Teacher Identity and Emotions in a Duoethnographic Narrative: The Perspective of Teacher, Parent, and Teacher Educator

Teacher identity building rather than learning teaching in terms of skills and subsystems has recently been acknowledged as a priority in future teacher preparation. Several teacher identity models have been offered, including the 3A Language Teacher Identity Framework (3ALTIF) (Werbińska, 2017a) in which teacher identity comprises affiliation (teachers’ willingness to teach), attachment (teachers’ beliefs related to their teaching) and autonomy (teachers’ agentive, reflective, and resilient powers). With hindsight, it seems that the 3ALTIF, which drew on other identity models available at the time of its conception, does not address the affective side of language teacher identity explicitly enough and therefore can hardly embrace the uniqueness of this profession. That is why we decided to explore the issue of emotions more deeply and conduct a lengthy duoethnographic narrative to consider the 3ALTIF’s ‘miss-ing’ component for the future ‘improvement’ of the 3ALTIF. Duoethnography was chosen as a qualitative research method thanks to its novelty, its suitability for investigating identity issues and the opportunity it provides for us to explain and express ourselves. In our duoethnographic dialogues we focused on our own emotions from three perspectives: former school language teachers, language teachers as parents, and language teacher educators, all of which are the roles we have played. The findings reveal our experience of emotions that once affected us and also suggest that emotions are not only psychological constructs but have social dimensions as well.

Research on teacher identity and, analogously, language teacher identity has been flourishing in recent years. Several anthologies of identity research (e.g., Barkhuizen, 2017;Cheung et al., 2015;Gallardo, 2019;Schutz et al., 2018), monographs (e.g., Alsup, 2019;Gray & Morton, 2018;Rudolph et al., 2020;Werbińska, 2017a), including those with practical activities for teachers and learners (e.g., Olsen, 2016;Barkhuizen & Strauss, 2020), special issues in language journals (TESOL Quarterly, 2016;Modern Language Journal, 2017;Konińskie Studia Językowe, 2018) and numerous journal articles and theses have expanded our vision on identity and the language teacher. It is clear that identity provides the key to the language teaching profession and to educating future teachers. This is an important shift given that only three decades ago teacher education, at least in Poland, was mostly restricted to teaching concrete skills and systems, with very little room for the role of reflection. The focus on identity and all that it involves allows teachers to be 'more of themselves' within the contexts in which they work and to consider identity as a dimension of their professionalism. In this paper, we acknowledge teacher emotions as vital in (re)narrating and (re)constructing our own language teacher identities.
The immediate stimulus for the present study was the recent appearance of various identity definitions and models in the literature that accommodate teacher emotions. This led to a need to overhaul the 3ALTIF framework which was offered by one of us (Werbińska, 2016) for conducting teacher identity research (Werbińska, 2017a(Werbińska, , 2017b). The 3ALTIF model consists of three 'A' components: affiliation which stands for teachers' willingness to teach, attachment which signifies teachers' beliefs related to their teaching, and autonomy which embraces teachers' agentive, reflective, and resilient powers. Although the three components, drawn from the available teacher identity models at the time of the 3ALTIF's conception, are undoubtedly permeated with emotional connotations, the 3ALTIF does not have a clear fourth component that would cover the affective side of language teacher identity.
The present project is focused on the duoethnographic dialogues in which we-two experienced English language teachers-talk about language-related emotions within the context of the roles of school language teacher, parent, and language teacher educator. We begin with a discussion of teacher identity models and the way identity has been conceptualized in recent years. This is followed by a discussion of teacher emotions and the role they play in any understanding of teacher identity. We then present a brief description of the design of our duoethnographic research project upon which this paper is based. Against this background we provide and discuss our findings from the study, focusing on emotions as seen from three teacher perspectives: school teacher, parent, and teacher educator. In the discussion section, we explore what this reveals about teacher emotions in language teacher identity.

Theoretical Framework
In the following sections, we turn to the literature in order to address the most popular models of language teacher identity and the nature of teacher emotions. Both teacher identity models and emotions experienced by language teachers provide the theoretical foundations for the study we have conducted.

Teacher Identity Models
The identity frameworks that provided the conceptualization models for the creation of the 3ALTIF were: Wenger's (1998) Communities of Practice, Gee's (2001) four perspectives on the N-Identities, the I-Identities, the D-Identities, and the A-Identities, Varghese et al.'s (2005) distinction between identity-indiscourse and identity-in-practice, and similar to it, the distinction between narrated identities and enacted identities (Kanno & Steward (2011), Clarke's (2009) diagram for "identity work," and Benson's et al.'s (2013) facets of identity. Appearing after the creation of the initial 3ALTIF model in 2014, Pennington's (2015) Frames of Teacher Identity and Trent's (2015) Framework were added and treated as a confirmation of the 3ALTIF's core constituents. Although emotions were undoubtedly taken for granted by the authors of identity frameworks, in all these models the word affective or emotional was not explicitly used.
Recent years have witnessed a new focus on the emotional complexity of language teachers. What teachers encounter, undergo, and tolerate, and how this experience relates to teachers' practices has prompted a surge of interest in the study of language teacher emotions. Naturally, this has been reflected in teacher identity definitions and frameworks that now tend to include the emotional component. Barcelos (2015), for example, comments that one of the moral dimensions of language teacher identity is teachers' emotional involvement, which determines what teachers do and what they suppose is right to do. Golombek (2015) views identity-related tensions as "emotional dissonance" between the emotions appearing in a given context and those that would be expected under certain circumstances (p. 471). Departing from the Douglas Fir Group's (2016) framework for language teaching, De Costa and Norton (2016) highlight the emotion and affect which English language teachers experience in their job, whereas Varghese et al. (2016) suggest that teachers' emotional lives bring about agency in identity formation. Harbon (2017, in Barkhuizen, 2017 argues that in her acknowledgment of the generational aspect of language teacher identity development, "the affective" makes a lot of sense (p. 180). For Day (2018), teacher professional identity is linked to emotional energy and emotions, which represent one of the core strands of teacher professional identity. Fairley (2020), in turn, distinguishes four competencies that are crucial for language teacher identity development, and "emotional literacy" (p. 9) constitutes one of them.
Clearly, the body of literature devoted to exploring teacher identity is constantly expanding while the inclusion of the affective component has enriched teacher identity research.

Language Teacher Emotions
It has been noted that an interest in emotions in English language teaching has developed from the affective turn (De Costa et al., 2019). The emotional state of the learner, or affect, has been recognized as an important individual variable (e.g., Gabryś-Barker & Bielska, 2012) influencing second language learning in the classroom, with learner anxiety initially being the most widely studied classroom emotion. It is only recently that the focus on emotions has been shifted onto language teachers (e.g., Martínez Agudo, 2018). This interest resonates with developments of research within Vygotskian sociocultural theory, positive psychology, critical applied linguistics, or discourse analysis (De Costa et al., 2019). The change of focus from learner to teacher emotions can be attributed to their reciprocal relationship. It has been speculated that only when the teacher's own well-being has been provided for, can they cater for the well-being of their learners and create a positive classroom climate conducive to learning (Gabryś-Barker, 2012).
Two major approaches can be distinguished in relation to the study of language teacher emotions (De Costa et al., 2019): the cognitive and the social. The cognitive approach assumes that the teacher is able to look after their own well-being by recognizing the emotions they feel and learning to manage the challenges encountered in their professional growth. From this viewpoint, the responsibility for the regulation of emotions, which is a component of emotional intelligence, is placed on the individual teacher (Benesch, 2019(Benesch, , p. 1112. The social approach, on the other hand, looks at how teacher emotions are generated by the teaching contexts at macro-levels (e.g., language policy), meso-levels (e.g., the school community), and micro-levels (e.g., teacher identity), which would comply with Bronfennbrenner's (1979) socio-educational model of human development. In this view, the impact of macro-level forces, such as globalization and neoliberalism, are of particular import for English language teachers, whose professional tool is a global language that is hugely influential socially. The resultant commodification of knowledge of English means that language teachers are encumbered by external constraints, such as the pressures of the accountability involved in having to prepare their students for high-stakes examinations. This burden often creates an ethical dilemma between what teachers would like to do on their own and what they are expected to teach by various stakeholders, be it parents, head teachers or local governments.
Within the social framework of studying teacher emotions particular attention has been drawn to the notion of emotional labor defined as "the relationships that teachers have to negotiate as they balance between how they feel in particular work situations and how they are supposed to feel according to social expectations" (De Costa et al., 2019, p. 2) In other words, teachers undertake efforts ("labor") to learn how to control or suppress their negative emotions, as this is expected of them in their school environment. Benesch (2017, p. 12) offers another definition of emotional labor as "'the struggle between workplace feeling rules' (Hochschild, 1983) and employees' prior training or beliefs about appropriate workplace conduct" (Benesch, 2017, p. 12).
In the cognitive view of teacher emotions, emotional labor would imply a conflict between institutional demands and personal beliefs about teaching versus a teacher's true self. It would take a great deal of individual effort to resolve the tension by employing various emotion-regulation strategies (Bielak & Mystkowska-Wiertelak, 2020) or practicing personal resilience to inhibiting factors (Frydenberg, 2017). It can be further speculated that conducting too much emotional labor and/or doing so too often can lead to teacher burnout (Chang, 2009;Keller et al., 2014) and, consequently, disengagement from the profession, and even though this can only be mental disengagement, it hampers a smooth development of teacher identity.
As emotions appear to play a pivotal role in language teacher identity formation, experiencing positive emotions in the profession (e.g., pride) helps build affiliation to the profession. By contrast, negative emotions affect teacher vulnerability (Jackson et al., 2007;Song, 2016) and, consequently, identity. Vulnerability has two functions. On the one hand, it indicates the emotional labor the teacher does (mental exhaustion caused by hiding one's true feelings and displaying what is organizationally desirable), at the same time placing them in isolation. On the other hand, it may provide the teacher with an insight into the realities of life, thereby initiating the transformation of their identity and influencing professional deterioration or growth (Zembylas, 2002).
One feeling that affects teacher vulnerability is the feeling of shame and/ or anxiety when facing students of a higher level of language proficiency. An example of such a case is provided by Song (2016) in a situation when Korean teachers confront their inadequate language skills with those of returnee students from the study abroad period. As a way of protecting their vulnerability and securing their positions at school, Korean teachers resort to using "cover stories, in which they portray themselves as experts who comply with the school curriculum and policy through which they sustain their position" (Song, 2016, p. 636).
Teacher vulnerability can also be impacted in teacher-parent relations (Lasky, 2005). In her interview study, teachers claim to experience positive emotions, such as happiness or enjoyment, in relation to parents who conform to the teachers' institutional expectations of the parental role, for example through being responsible, supportive, and appreciative of teacher efforts. By contrast, they experience negative emotions, such as anger, frustration or disgust, if parents do not come up to the teachers' preconceived expectations. These judgements have been recognized as a struggle for power (Lasky, 2005, p. 850). Teachers enjoy the recognition of their professionalism, and yet their (verbal) behavior is embedded within the institutional norms of hierarchy and surveillance. For this reason, they may find it difficult to leave this perspective in encounters with students' parents.
The above examples also suggest that much of teacher identity construction takes place through discursive practices which are emotionally loaded. Here, emotions are not viewed "as universal, measurable, or unchanging across time and space. In fact, the focus is not so much on what emotions are as on what they do socially" (Ahmed, 2004, in Benesch, 2019). Benesch (2019) goes on to say that poststructuralist/social-constructive approaches "theorize emotions as cultural practices, changing across time and space […] effects of human encounters with objects, including ideas, policies, memories, other people, events, activities, places, animals, and so on" (p. 114).
Finally, it should be recognized that teachers' emotional tension can be resolved through their reflectivity, understood here as their ability and willingness to reflect, which could be regarded as a tool for teachers' professional development and identity construction (Gabryś-Barker, 2012).

Participants
While we share very similar values when it comes to English language teaching or language teacher education, we also acknowledge that there are several aspects that differentiate us with regard to our respective identity markers. Dorota was born a decade earlier than Joanna and she comes from a small town in the north of Poland where she completed her basic education. She continued her tertiary studies and later doctorate at a major English department at Poznan University in the times of Polish communism, when a shortage of English speakers, admiration of Western values, and a common willingness to learn English prevailed. She completed her studies in the very same year that the collapse of communism was announced in Poland (1989) and, after graduation, returned to her native town to work as a state school teacher of English.
She also has a more diverse history of working in ELT as, apart from being a full-time school teacher for eight years, she also worked as a regional part-time in-service teacher educator in a state teacher development center, a part-time representative of an ELT publishing house, and a pre-service teacher educator at a local Teacher Training College. She has one adult son.
Joanna began her English studies at the Jagiellonian University of Cracow a few years after the collapse of communism in 1989, when Poland became open to Western businesses and there was a pressing need, as well as numerous career opportunities, for any person knowledgeable in foreign Western languages. For this reason, she easily and relatively early found employment first in a secondary school, where she worked for seven years as an English teacher, and almost simultaneously as a pre-service teacher educator at a local Teacher Training College. She has continued to work at the university and has been doing research for over twenty years now. She has two sons, who are currently attending upper-primary school and it is through them that she gains a wealth of insight into Polish education and current school life.
Thus, though educationally aligned, we acknowledge our differences in terms of age, geographical backgrounds in Poland, and the diversity of ELT job experience. Considered a strength in any duoethnographic project, these differences are the 'place' from which we speak that may contribute to our reconceptualizations.

Research Questions
The study was guided by one overarching research question: What emotions emerge from our biography-based dialogues?
We also thought that answering the main research question would help us shed light on language teacher emotions with respect to teacher identity (re)formation in the process of fulfilling our different teacher roles (our 'perspectives') and, indirectly, make us better see the necessity of supplementing the 3ALTIF with an affective component. Finally, we wished to experience duoethnography as a TESOL research method.

Methodology
As duoethnography is still a rather unfamiliar qualitative method, we feel some explanation is required for why we opted for this method in our exploration of teacher identity and emotions. The reasons were basically threefold: the inherent nature of duoethnography as a research method, which we thought would lend itself very well to the present project, its link to emotions, which was our research topic, and the sheer novelty of the method.
Duoethnography is a method in which "people of difference conceptualize their stories through a particular phenomenon in juxtaposition with one another" (Norris & Sawyer, 2017, p. 1). We entered into our conversations as two different individuals, though educationally aligned, in order to track the experience of our ELT-related emotions. Our selves constituted the context for the analysis of our emotions, their reconceptualizations and potential meanings so as to view the emotions anew. In our dialogues we talked about our time as novice teachers, parents who were simultaneously language teachers, and our work as teacher educators. All of our stories were authentic, not hypothetical, as we provided legitimate examples of emotions experienced in playing all these roles. As the frame for investigation and the first principle of duoethnography (Sawyer & Norris, 2013) is the concept of currere (Pinar, 1978)-an informal curriculum of individuals' lives-we were convinced that duoethnography would be an appropriate method for learning from each other's biographies and critically investigating our emotions.
Another benefit of using duoethnography in investigating emotions is the very nature of emotions. Admitting to experiencing emotions (especially negative) requires sincerity, which can only be expressed in a safe environment. Obviously, there are duoethnographic projects where there are power differentials and all this may involve (see Lowe & Lawrence, 2020); however, in general, the creation of trust, respect, and a safe space for researchers is considered crucial for duoethnography. We began our project from the position of collegiality, which we found helpful in talking about emotions. Moreover, duoethnography provides the kind of nuanced perspective, that is necessary when discussing emotions, which are, on the whole, subjective in nature.
Lastly, we were attracted by the novelty of the method. Although other aspects of teacher identity have been duoethnographically researched (Banegas & Gerlach, 2021, Lowe & Kiczkowiak, 2016, the emotions of language teachers have, to the best of our knowledge, never been explored in this way. The openness of the method, its lack of prescriptivism, along with the gradual emergence of the data, was what we found suitable for our first contact with this method.

Data Collection Methods
In this study, we gathered data via oral and written dialogues over a period of five months. We arranged a two-hour Zoom meeting in English in December 2020 which was facilitated by our prior individual reflection with the help of the stimulus questions (Appendix). Although our discussion eventually assumed most of the direction from that originally anticipated (we did not address the issue of emotion management at all), and we do not, in fact, offer answers to the stimulus questions appended to this paper, we have included them, as they helped to make us deliberately think and focus attention on our emotions.
During the meeting we aimed to discuss our experiences related to emotions when we were school teachers, followed by what emotional incidents we remember that were felt as parents and teacher educators, in the hope that this dialogic investigation would contribute to a reconceptualization of ourselves. We then created a conversation-based online document in which we analyzed and supplemented our discussion with new information, comments, and followup questions. It could be said that the joint Word document became a space in which our suggestions, understandings, and incomplete ideas were posited for further examination.
On the basis of the Zoom written data, we conducted a thematic analysis to find out what we thought the emerging emotions in our discussion were. Based on this process, we identified the emotions that emerged from the Zoom meeting: the experience of pride, joy, and anxiety when we were English teachers, an occasional experience of anger, disappointment and shame in the role of parents, and the emotions that we still experience in our work as teacher educators. In addition to the Zoom meeting, we regularly emailed each other and talked on the phone in order to further discuss the identified areas or resolve any points of disagreement. We then created another document, based on our original Zoom dialogue, in which we deconstructed and reconstructed the original duoethnographic text, a step advised by Sawyer and Norris (2013). We also incorporated the theory and professional literature that we had studied in relation to the investigated topic, which is in line with one of the central tenets of duoethnography, or working principles, of "literature as participant" (Sawyer, 2012, p. 24). According to this tenet, the literature consultation does not take place before the beginning of the study but, once the topic emerges, duoethnographers review relevant literature.
We decided to present our conversation within three themes referring to our recalled emotions from the perspectives of teacher, parent, and teacher educator, which became our "reconceptualized" retrospectives explored duoethnographically. Each section starts with a short introduction and finishes with an analysis of the preceding fragment.

Data Presentation
Theme 1: Emotions from the perspective of novice teachers. At the time when we worked as school teachers, we did not know each other. That was why we decided to start the duoethnographic project with our personal narra-tives from the period when we joined the English teaching profession and our recollection of how we felt then.
Dorota: I can say why I stayed in the teaching profession, which may also be true about other teachers. I was a graduate, I didn't have any job experience and, suddenly, I was recognized, and accepted as a great teacher by almost all my English students of different ages, their parents and my superiors. I was a young teacher and there were no other English teachers around. I was offered a job practically in every school in my town as they all desperately wanted to have English on offer. That was some kind of power. You are recognized, powerful and treated as a fully-fledged teacher, a professional. Whatever you say related to learning or teaching English is respected. If people think highly of you thanks to what you do in the classroom, if your opinion matters, you feel appreciated. This is positive. This is what novice teachers may be looking for if we think about emotions [….] You are proud of being an English teacher and you can subscribe to this.
Joanna: I agree. When I think of those days now, I remember being very much engrossed in lesson preparation. […] Lesson preparation at that time was enjoyable, maybe because I expected appreciation in reward. I could describe that state as a kind of Csikszentmihalyi's (2009) flow. My first years of teaching were really in a state of flow when I was learning how to teach and enjoying myself.
Despite the positive emotions experienced at that time, the 'downs' which adversely impacted the first years on the job were also experienced.
Joanna: I think, for novice teachers especially, it is quite stressful to enter a new group. In the beginning, you must establish clear power roles and rules of conduct. And it always takes a lot of energy. You don't feel like reprimanding or setting a rule and being consistent with it, but you have to bring out all the strength and somehow pursue a rule or react to any misbehavior. It cost me a lot of emotional labour, as Benesch (2017) called it, to comply with the school's demands or feeling rules, and this is what many novice teachers have to learn too, as Yuan & Lee (2016) observe.
Dorota: I can recall another example of anxiety that I felt when I was a beginning teacher in the 90s. That was a time when a point of reference at my university was the native speaker. During my first years of teaching, we used to have school exchanges where I had to be an interpreter. I wasn't paid, but I had to interpret in front of the whole school of teachers and students. One school exchange was with a town in the north of England and their accent was often a problem for me. I was the only English teacher at school and situations when students could compare my English with the English of native speakers was stressful and made me anxious. Other people from school thought that since you were a teacher of English, you knew everything about English speaking countries, their literature, everyday culture. They took it for granted that you knew all the intricacies of interpreting too. That echoed my thinking from university in which the native speaker was the best model to emulate. This has changed recently, thanks to the communicative approach, the focus on the learner, translanguaging, etc. But at that time, making a mistake or not offering the answer to a student's question was failing to provide the right professional standards. We didn't have smartphones for looking up unknown words. I remember comparisons of who is a better teacher: a native speaker or a non-native speaker, just like in Medgyes's (1994) book, and my negative feelings about such comparisons.

Joanna:
The teacher needs a lot of self-confidence and a high level of competence. I remember reading Dewaele's (2018) study where he found that a teacher's ability to regulate emotions was related to teacher competence. I believe it is very important that teachers are actually well educated. That was difficult to achieve in the past with limited access to language. Others' expectations were unrealistic with limited opportunities for learning the language from native speakers. At university methodology classes we were told that we were not "walking encyclopedias," which stuck in my mind, so I never felt ashamed if I didn't know an answer, even if students tried to put me on trial, even if they commented on something, I never took this to myself. Dorota: And in my case that was a bit like a "sticky object" phenomenon to use Benesch's (2012) phrase. It is still somewhere in my head. You resent this, and you are still attached to it.
Despite the differences in our demographic backgrounds, we both had rather positive reminiscences from our novice teacher years. It was interesting to note that out of three emotions that emerged two were very positive: pride and joy. Both of us agreed that the English teacher's profession in Poland at the time we started teaching was extremely attractive. There were so few English teachers that even novice English teachers were looked up to. Our knowledge of language and teaching skills were immediately recognized by others: learners, their parents, and school superiors. Both of us were rewarded with a credit of trust, which undoubtedly made us believe how valuable we were and how useful our work was. That may have served as the basis for our self-respect, professional security and, in a word, our pride on account of being English teachers. That may also have been why Joanna so enthusiastically prepared for her classes, as she knew her efforts would be appreciated by learners and rewarded with praises from parents and school principals.
Thus, it would seem that our initial attraction to the job, clearly helped by others' recognition and respect, must have contributed to our desire to remain in the profession for good and expand our knowledge about language teaching on a regular basis.
As the above narratives also illustrate, we identified one negative emotion, that is, anxiety. Although Joanna recalled stress related to teaching new groups, especially with respect to classroom discipline, which is a common feeling experienced by beginning teachers, Dorota focused on stress resulting from her comparisons to English native speaking teachers and rating herself less favorably in such comparisons as far as her linguistic competence was concerned. Although today, with the prevalence of English as a Lingua Franca and various models of World Englishes, the native speakerism ideology with its perceptions of non-native speakers in terms of deficit rather than difference is disputable, the fact that she remembers it so vividly may indicate that native-speakerism was really a problem to her. At Dorota's university, Noam Chomsky's (1957;1963) books pointing to native speakers as points of reference were frequently quoted by professors. It is little wonder, then, that non-native speakers of English often felt an inferiority complex while speaking English in the company of native speakers. For Dorota, that "sticky object" phenomenon (Benesch, 2012) was particularly acute and anxiety producing when she had to interpret in front of others, especially her learners for whom she aspired to be a language teacher role-model. Having said that, it is worth noting that Joanna's experience in this matter differs. She studied several years later, after the publication of Phillipson's (1992) seminal book exposing linguistic imperialism, which may account for her attempt to rationalize this issue with no feelings of inferiority or language deficits on her part.
Theme 2: Emotions from the perspective of parents. Teacher educators perform different roles in their professional and private lives. Most of them also act as parents. The following excerpts show what kind of emotions we experienced as parents.
Joanna: I don't visit the lessons, but I can gather from the conversations with my kids what the lessons look like and what I get is that the teachers hardly ever speak English, or if they do, just the instructions, and they only follow course books. I really wonder why this happens. I just can't understand that because it would be boring for me as a teacher to have identical lessons for so many years. That's why I started thinking of emotions […] Is it because teachers are tired, stressed, burnt out and protect themselves by doing the teaching mechanically, the bare minimum, from cover to cover? Is it because this helps them conduct the lesson without emotional engagement? Some kind of fun activity, talking to students, playing games, singing songs… This never happened with my children who have been at school for seven, nine years. I found that what we teach at university doesn't seem to materialize in practice.

Dorota:
That's unlike the case of my friend who teaches French. She says she has to think about everything from the beginning to the end because she doesn't have much support from publishers. Perhaps English teachers are lazy or deskilled, because of the availability of ready-made materials, as Richards (1998) warned. If they have something ready, they think, why not use it? I just wonder because I don't believe they are all so… as you said, burnt out, right?
Joanna: Maybe there's no place for creativity now because a lot of students tell me that there's so much emphasis on the results of school leaving exams. Teachers feel that they have to do all this cramming for tests, and have to focus on exam preparation techniques all the time.
Dorota: What counts are the outcomes, exams, leagues. What has become of education? The consequence of exams is school ranking. If teacher quality is measured only by the effectiveness of exam results, then teachers direct all their efforts towards this goal, at the same time minimizing their efforts in other areas, such as creative lesson planning or materials design.
In this exchange, Joanna, as a teacher educator and simultaneously a parent, discloses the kind of emotions she experienced when she re-entered school in the role of parent. Her first reaction was surprise, and then disappointment with school practice, for many of the methodological guidelines that have been taught to pre-service teachers for years are actually not practiced in schools. This concerns the general lack of communicative methodology, overuse of Polish and overreliance on ready-made teaching materials. She observed little teacher creativity and individualization in lessons design, which is likely to act against learners' abilities and needs and, consequently, against their engagement and motivation (Dὅrnyei, 2020). As Joanna tries to reflect on the issue more deeply and identify the reasons for this, she hypothesizes that one problem could be teachers' emotional exhaustion and burnout.
Dorota does not agree with this interpretation and tries to find her own justification for this situation. In her view, English language teachers' lack of creativity in material and test design may have been caused by neoliberal pressures. The widespread availability of materials concerns English, the most widely-used global language, and, as Dorota observes, may not relate so much to teaching other languages, as the example of a French teacher shows. This observation is in accord with Block et al. (2012) who point out that the global ELT coursebook industry is a sign of neoliberal forces pervading education. It could even be hypothesized that creativity has been sustained among teachers of those languages which do not have a global reach. Clearly, the popularity of teaching English has led to its homogenization in terms of methodological practice. By the same token, many individuals who may not have felt a particular vocation for teaching have found the occupation easy to perform thanks to the rich supply of ready-made ELT materials. In contrast, teachers of less popular languages, with poorer access to teaching materials in comparison to English teachers, may prove more creative and therefore more passionate about their work, as they invest more in their work in order to motivate students to learn their languages with fewer ready-made teaching resources available.
Further, Joanna agrees with Joanna that the social context has changed since they themselves worked at school and that all teaching nowadays, including one in a foreign language, is subjugated to external high-stakes examinations. This has been identified as another cause of the lack of creativity, as well as lack of enthusiasm, which Joanna finds contagious. Joanna extrapolates on this issue, blaming neoliberal thinking about education for this state of affairs ("What counts are the outcomes, exams, leagues").
The relationship of the teacher educator as parent and teacher has one more dimension. It can produce a slight feeling of shame in relation to their children. This may happen if the child does not come up to the high expectations of parents who are teacher educators, particularly if the child's English teachers are former trainees of their parents. A feeling of unfulfilled expectations can be sensed by both parties, that is, by the teacher in reference to the child whose parent was their trainer, and by the teacher educator parent in reference to the child, as well as his teacher.
Dorota: You were this kind of teacher, a reliable one, everybody looked up to what you said, to what you did in your methodology class, and my son […] a complex that he wasn't good enough. I just felt that was connected with the position of teacher educators in the power hierarchy, or some individual perfectionist inclinations. Or perhaps I just wanted to be trustworthy in the sense that what I do at university should also work with my own child.
Joanna: And that's why I didn't want to contact the language teachers of my sons. I have to say my son is not the best student of English, unfor- And he told this to the teacher who always wrote it separately. After a few days, she told him off in the presence of his friends, almost shouting that he was wrong because people write 'cannot' separately in American English and, what was really strange, that he shouldn't have said such things to the teacher if he didn't know for sure. I think she over-reacted. She must have felt insecure. He was just a child and she must have taken his comment too seriously. I didn't want to contact her personally. What could I have said? "You are not prepared?". On another occasion, she lowered his grade explaining that his grammar was too poor. Should I have gone to her and said "You can't demand so much grammar when you are teaching a child." She could have answered, "I'm a teacher now. And besides, you taught me methodology." And that's quite disconcerting because we should be proud of working as teacher educators. But when we are not recognized by practicing teachers, again, coming back to recognition, it is upsetting. Perhaps they are afraid of us.
Parental feelings of shame may lead to the avoidance of confrontation with the child's teacher, confrontation which may become a struggle for power or an attempt to prove both teachers' and teacher educators' positions as (more?) legitimate professionals. Both parties appear to be vulnerable to criticism that could undermine their expertise and, perhaps, their position in the hierarchy of educational institutions. Having left the training institution, a school teacher is already independent of the teacher educator, and would like to treat the teacher educator parent just like any other parent, which is from the position of an expert, an expectation found by Song (2016) and Lasky (2005). By contrast, the teacher educator considers herself a knowledgeable expert, and does not want to fit in the shoes of an ordinary parent. The school teacher, in turn, does not want to recognize the parent's expertise as this might undermine her status as a competent professional. This is the place where the interests of both parties come into conflict. The teacher educator does not want to admit to the "educational failure" of her own child. Conversely, school teachers may expect that the teacher educator practices with the child at home what is taught at school so that the child would be able to prove his competence. The pupil, in turn, appears to accumulate the expectations of the parent that he should do well at school and, simultaneously, of the teacher, who expects the educator's child to be a model learner. The child, therefore, is in the middle of a conflictual situation for proving 'better' methodological expertise. Similar positioning practices taking place through discourse have been observed in various sociocultural contexts (e.g., Pavlenko & Lantolf, 2000) and professional situations (Werbińska, 2020).
The excerpt above reveals teacher vulnerability and insecurity about their language competence. This sensitivity to criticism may be rooted in the still highly-valued native-speaker model. The teachers who were linguistically educated in an instructional setting and have little first-hand experience of living abroad or acquiring language through everyday contacts may feel inferior when confronted with more skilled experts, like the teachers found in Song (2016). It requires a great deal of self-esteem and self-confidence to renegotiate teacher roles and at times admit to incompetence in certain areas.
Theme 3: Emotions from the perspective of teacher educator. Both of us are enthusiastic and devoted teachers, and the feeling of mission is what probably led us to undertake the position of teacher educator. Having served this role for over 20 years now, our viewpoint on teacher education has also undergone modifications, which is visible in the excerpts below.
Joanna: I began my teacher training career four years after I started teaching at school. Naturally, I was apprehensive of my students' reactions, especially as they were often a few years older than me, and had come back to university to be retrained to become English teachers. I realized they had more life experience. Fortunately, I had background knowledge in communicative language teaching which was a novelty then. Also doing microteaching tasks followed by reflection was enjoyable for students. I also continued to work at school. The school experiences fed back onto my credibility as a teacher educator as I was able to provide first-hand examples of classroom situations instantly.

Dorota:
During my studies the communicative teaching was not much emphasized. The obligatory course book during my methodology classes was H. D. Brown's (1987) "Practice in Language Learning and Teaching" which we had to know almost by heart. Unfortunately, I copied the same model in my beginning methodology classes, and students didn't learn many practical things. What helped me most with developing my teaching methodology was the Western methodological help with lots of teacher access to books from the British Council, Peace Corps-all providing invaluable help. I often used their offer, given the fact that I worked at college and at a local in-service teacher training centre.
Both Joanna and Dorota began teacher training in the 1990s, which was both a challenge and an opportunity for professional development. Assuming a new role always brings out anxiety, which in our becoming teacher educators turned out to be facilitative. We drew on the available resources which gave us confidence and advantage over our trainees: being language teachers in school, which allowed us to provide authentic examples from school practice, thorough theoretical background, the knowledge of innovative methodology transferred to Polish university courses by Western organizations. With hindsight, it seems clear that we were also emotionally engaged, willing to learn language teaching, and enthusiastic, which might have resulted from the fact that we were pioneers in preparing English teachers for their future jobs. The aspect of novelty seems to play a key role in capturing our own interest (as teacher trainers) and that of our trainees who were becoming acquainted with ELT communicative trends for the first time.
Dorota: With years to come and next generations of students, I observed less enjoyment or engagement on their part. I continued to teach in a similar way through introducing activating techniques and micro-teaching followed by reflection, but I observed it required from me more energy and nonverbal techniques to attract their attention. I started wondering what the reasons were: was it because the techniques were no longer a novelty, since the students had already been exposed to communicative methodology in their own English language learning? New technologies, the introduction of new apps, etc. seemed to strike their interest at first, but I found it harder to make them think more deeply about their use, go beyond mere operation of the IT tools, to make them think what would work in class and under what conditions […]. They were not interested in that once all the fun of using ICT stopped.
Joanna: Some of the students are passive, that's true, but they often come to study teaching for other reasons than wanting to become teachers. What I noticed is that they want to be entertained. This is a pity. A lot of them hold a belief that an enjoyable activity is always learning-rich. But it's often not the case. You may have a good time and learn very little. […] What I don't like is the emphasis on all that is practical: apps, ready-made games, things to take and use in the classroom. They make students less interested in creating things by themselves or designing their own lessons. They'd rather download an activity recommended as interesting than create their own. Our Zeitgeist? The Internet?
But I can't say I'm myself bored. Paradoxically, I find it puzzling. Investigating a particular case seems interesting to me, which doesn't mean that I manage to make all students interested in my class. But I manage to keep myself interested in my course. Is this a strategy of combating teacher burnout?
In the continuation of this part of our duoethnographic study, some disillusionment can be detected. The observation that old tricks no longer work, that the times and teacher candidates have changed seem to testify to this. The difficulty in applying in-depth critical teaching or lesser interest in the teaching profession and the general social context can be clearly witnessed. The neoliberal economy seeping into education encourages teacher trainees, like other language learners, to consume attractive products, imitate enjoyable techniques, download teaching solutions in the name of accountability. The fact that teacher trainees, though full-time students, now have to work to cover the costs of their studies also changes the perspective of their teaching mission. Joanna finds the trainees' decreased interest and engagement less rewarding, as their passivity rubs off on her. Alternatively, it may also be an initial sign of emotional exhaustion, one of three symptoms of teacher trainer's burnout (Maslach & Leiter, 2006), as Dorota hints. Dorota "manages" to keep herself interested in the course, which may also signal her own self-direction and autonomy. Both of them find the situation puzzling and duoethnographic reflection on it may stand for their effort to better understand the reasons behind the trainees' passivity.

Discussion
This duoethnographic project has focused mainly on our own emotions experienced from the positions of school teachers, parents, and language educators. We were curious to find out what emotions would emerge in our reminiscences of these roles, how they affect our teacher identity which, in a way, matches our question whether "affect" should be added to the constituents of the otherwise quite capacious 3ALTIF model. Finally, we wanted to know whether the method of duoethnography would be useful for this ELT project.
To answer our main research question, we identified several emotions emerging in the different stages of our professional careers and in relation to other people. We recalled pride, joy, and anxiety while working as novice teachers, shame and disappointment when engaged in the role of parents, and reduced motivation, but also puzzlement, in training future candidates for the teaching profession. We found that our emotions were socially-constructed, and their character (be it positive or negative) enhanced (our roles as school teachers) or weakened (Joanna's disillusionment with some of her students) our motivation to work. Another finding that emerged through our discussion was that strong emotions were long remembered after the experience (Benesh's (2012) "sticky object" phenomenon), and can be regarded as influential to the formation of teacher identity.
This uncovering also brings us to the answer of how emotions affect teacher identity. In our study, we realized that assuming new challenging roles in favorable social situations (our roles as novice teachers), generated positive emotions, such as pride and enjoyment and, therefore, strengthened our affiliation to the profession, to use the term of the first 3ALTIF's constituents. Anxiety also appeared in confrontation with new challenges, such as teaching a new group or the necessity of school public interpreting in the context of the native speaker/non-native speaker dichotomy; yet, with time, it proved facilitative, as it prompted us to work on minimizing those negative emotions by thorough preparation for lessons or reflecting and developing a critical perspective on the concept of native-speakerism. Therefore, it could be concluded that particularly in the early stages of a teacher's career, it is important to cater for the wellbeing of teachers, which could be done by watchful mentoring (Smith, 2018) and general support from positive institutions (Budzińska, 2018), with a view to strengthening the teacher's affiliation to teaching. Catering for wellbeing is also important for teachers at later stages of their career. Nevertheless, being more experienced (and hopefully more autonomous), teachers may require less institutional support, as they have developed coping strategies for themselves through reflexivity and the constructive search of for solutions to problems encountered. This is the goal of many recent publications (Gabryś-Barker & Gałajda, 2016;Gkonou et al., 2020;Mercer & Gregersen, 2020) promoting positive psychology in language learning and teaching. Self-awareness, reflectivity, agency, and resilience to adverse situations are all tenets of an autonomous teacher, demonstrated in the 3ALTIF model (Werbińska, 2017a).
More negative emotions started to appear as we gained more experience, and perhaps greater awareness of teaching complexities and their connection with the socio-educational context. These emotions appeared in relation to other people, such as teachers of our children, when we performed both the roles of parents and teacher educators. The feelings of disappointment and shame emerged as an outcome of our struggle for power (Benesch, 2018(Benesch, , 2019 in contexts where there is a struggle for the recognition of one another's expertise, as positioning theory posits (Davies & Harré, 2001). As our study showed, there is tension in the relationship between our children's teachers and ourselves as parents who also happen to be language and teaching experts. There is effort on the part of the teacher to be recognized as a legitimate teacher and an expert, which is difficult in confrontation with a superior language and/or methodology expert. This inferior position may cause anger, while the person in the superior position feels equally angry and disappointed that not all expectations have been met. Perhaps the language educator, not working at school any longer, has an idealistic image of a teacher's everyday job. Perhaps she herself, having read and researched on the subject of language teaching is actually more knowledgeable and finds it hard to put up with the deficiencies of others. Scholarly work does require perfectionism and attention to detail from which her high expectations of competency may derive.
Our duoetnographic conversations also revealed that it is not emotions themselves that are important, but what we do about them, as Gkonou et al., (2020) point out. The confrontation of our expectations with the realities of teaching led us to strive to find the reasons for the appearance of emotions. To great extent, they were triggered by the changing educational contexts that are marked by neoliberal trends. This sociopolitical setting in which many teachers now have to work, has had devastating effects, as indicated in another duoethnographic study by Hayler (2020), who pointed to its being responsible for teachers' emotional tension. Recognized as a threat to the agency of many teachers, this unfavorable climate has not spared us as teacher educators.
In our case, however, we observed that emotions have positively affected reflectivity, agency and self-criticality, as our reflection on our emotional experience has led us to questions, thus constituting a link between reflection and agency. The positive emotions that we experienced mainly in the beginnings of our career as teachers and teacher trainers have generally had an effect on making us learn more, pursue our interests, develop our careers as researchers, and, at the same time, better understand our learners and their needs. Nevertheless, it should be acknowledged that we had a chance to begin our career in times when teacher professionalism was associated with higher levels of agency, autonomy and creativity, whereas for the last two decades, at least in Poland, it has been linked with accountability and efficiency demonstrated in high-stakes testing.
Constructing teacher identity, more important than merely acquiring professional knowledge and skills, is a dynamic lifelong experience and a story of becoming. Emotions are an invisible element impacting teacher identity, as they contribute to the growth of reflectivity, agency and resilience-all attributes of an autonomous teacher-noted in the 3ALTIF model. For us, and perhaps many other teachers, an incentive to becoming an English teacher was this striving for recognition, authority, and power. These are more difficult to maintain in today's world where language can be learnt in various informal settings, while language knowledge is no longer limited to what can be learnt from a school teacher.
Looking back on our teaching careers we have also learnt something about ourselves. Through examining the distinctive features of two persons from three different perspectives we can better witness how emotions may contribute to our identity (re)formation. The sometimes divergent positive and negative emotions that emerged and that have accompanied us as teachers, parents, and teacher educators prove that language teacher educators also reveal that language teacher educators, though educationally aligned, need not constitute an identical group of people. The examples of experiences that we have recalled exhibit commonalities but they also differ. This may show the complexity of teacher identity as well as the diversity of ways in which we understand ourselves and other ELT professionals. This awareness may also serve us as an important insight into our professional becoming and our teacher identity (re)negotiation and (re)consideration. We can better understand other teachers, our students who are future teachers and, above all, ourselves and who we are as language teachers and who we have become.
Our goal was also to experience duoethnography as a method of inquiry. We assumed it would help us share our autobiographic narratives, untangle the emotions that would emerge from them and make a deeper sense of the dialogues. With hindsight, we do acknowledge that thanks to this method, relatively new to both of us, our lived experiences from the past were given a new voice. As duoethnography relies on approaching dialogues through a selected lens so as to recognize the variability in the duoethnographers' experiences, the investigation and interpretation of teacher emotions (our selected lens in the study) was made possible. The confrontation of what we once felt with what we think now allowed us to gain a better understanding of emotions that each of us experienced while playing the roles investigated in this project. Therefore, we hope that this article may contribute to highlighting the power of duoethnography as a theoretical approach that can shed light on teacher emotions in identity research.

Final Thoughts
Experiencing emotions leads to reflection on their causality as well as learning or (re)constructing knowledge about the realities of teaching. For this reason, experiencing emotions might feed back into teacher training as well as feed forward to their possible aftermaths.
The venture we embarked on with this small project started with a view to enriching the 3ALTIF model with a fourth A that stands for Affect, which, as a work yet in progress has only been suggested in the present paper. From the analysis of our duoethnographic narratives, this goal seems justified. Teachers and teacher educators are constantly faced with situations where there is a conflict between the expectations of their institutions (i.e., feeling rules) on the one hand, and their beliefs and professional desires, on the other. These tensions generate emotional labor, which might affect their teacher identity once they solve the following dilemma: to be autonomous and reflective or rather obey the high and rather contradictory demands placed on them by educational contexts.